Social effects of hearing loss

[shelley]

I have been perusing this site and haven't found much information on a major issue for me and my hearing: how it affects my relationships with family and friends. I can't imagine that no one else deals with this, or is it the proverbial elephant in the living room that everyone chooses to ignore?

Here are some things I have begun to observe as my hearing has worsened in recent years:

My husband and I get in more arguments/tiffs because I mishear something he says, or don't hear it at all.
My kids don't want to repeat things for me.
I miss punch lines--and once you miss a punch line it really can't be replicated.
Relatives don't want to talk to me on the phone because they know I can't hear well (OK, I finally have bluetooth HA and cell phone, but no cell phone reception at home. Jabra attachment doesn't work well). So I'm left out of the loop and those relationships aren't developed.
Friends are harder to make--I speak to the beat of a different drummer. I need things slower, in quiet situations, and need patience. So I'm feeling pretty isolated. Again, the phone thing is an issue.
I am much more nervous in social situations and I avoid places where I know I won't be able to hear anyways (talks, lectures, parties).
My confidence is at an all-time low, and although I have had a hearing impairment all my life (32 years, since I was 6), it has never felt harder.


I have never had anyone coach me, or even give me suggestions for how to deal with my hearing more effectively with others, so I think I have many bad habits (pretending to hear, nodding & smiling, not being direct about my needs, avoidance). It is only in the past few weeks that I have discovered, through much online research, that I should be more assertive, and how to do it (Gee, a no-brainer, right?!:rolleyes: ).

Ultimately, I am wondering if anyone else has/had some of these social problems and how they dealt with them. My hearing is not going to get better, so I need to work on other areas like improving my techniques for dealing with others and perhaps developing my auditory processing also.

[islanderbaw]

Unlike you my hearing loss was recent, sudden, and I'm told not all that bad. I've found it difficult. It occurred after a heart bypass operation which was stressful enough. All in all, I got through the heart issues very well and was left with absolutely no hearing in one ear and a mild loss in the other. They say the operation had no relationship to the hearing; yeah sure, everything was fin until that point but whatever. "Mild" is a another term I haven't been able to appreciate yet. To me there is a wall on half the world where I am able to hear nothing and no aid will help and the other ear was causing more issues all the time.

Everything you mentioned became a reality for me as well; couldn't hear conversations, jokes, music, TV. In restaurants, conventions, seminars, meetings rooms (all work related environments for me) I had more and more difficulties. I missed important information and began to withdraw into my own world more and more. Was always asking to repeat things; sometimes two and three times. Also for me with only one ear I was not able to tell where sound was coming from. When I heard a noise, I needed to look around 360 for where it comes from. (People in the office would call me, and raise their hand so I can see where they were; they were being nice to me and I appreciated it but it also hit home.)

I started seeking help, went for more treatments, tests, eventually started learning about hearing aids. Got through the vanity part (yeah, right, not really) and then started to deal with the technology and how it could help me. Different aid features, bluetooth capability, etc. . . . I became obsessed with it. I've tested a number of different HAs and joined sites like this to learn and seek help.

Many on this site have been a great help to me and I appreciate it greatly.

I'm at the point where I know I can't live without the hearing aid and the difference is night and day. I'm learning to work with the bluetooth for my cell phone, music (only mono sound these days), and TV. I have control for the aid in different environments to increase volume, decrease noise, and more.

I think I'm OK about it. My aid can hardly be seen and one benefit is I don't need a bluetooth headset for my cell phone (something I use a lot in my work) . . . it all works right in my HA. Cool! Gotta get excited about the perks. :)

I'm a believer in staying positive, adjusting to life, and living, having fun . . . . . . . . . most of the time.

[Lucille]

I think this is important, realizing how the difficulties in hearing can affect us. I certainly have withdrawn from many social situations because I just can't participate because I can't hear in situations with background noise.
Some of my nurse friends had planned a happy hour for me just last week to celebrate that I passed the bar exam. I told them I couldn't make it and would they give me a rain check (jeez, I sure hope they do, it was at Ninfa's with these giant strawberry daiquiris and to die for fajita nachos).
So I will call them as soon as I get my HAs and hopefully my world will change for the better.
I'm glad you brought it up, and that I'm not the only one.

[shelley]

I cringe when I read other people's stories of avoidance, even though I do them myself. I am so aware of the pain and isolation that comes with hearing loss.

Here are a couple links I found after I posted my original post:
http://www.betterhearing.org/hearing_solutions/commstrategy.cfm
http://www.betterhearing.org/hearing_solutions/clearspeech.cfm

These little things can make a difference, though the more strategies we have, the better.

[zinzan]

I have been perusing this site and haven't found much information on a major issue for me and my hearing: how it affects my relationships with family and friends. I can't imagine that no one else deals with this, or is it the proverbial elephant in the living room that everyone chooses to ignore?

Here are some things I have begun to observe as my hearing has worsened in recent years:

My husband and I get in more arguments/tiffs because I mishear something he says, or don't hear it at all.
My kids don't want to repeat things for me.
I miss punch lines--and once you miss a punch line it really can't be replicated.
Relatives don't want to talk to me on the phone because they know I can't hear well (OK, I finally have bluetooth HA and cell phone, but no cell phone reception at home. Jabra attachment doesn't work well). So I'm left out of the loop and those relationships aren't developed.
Friends are harder to make--I speak to the beat of a different drummer. I need things slower, in quiet situations, and need patience. So I'm feeling pretty isolated. Again, the phone thing is an issue.
I am much more nervous in social situations and I avoid places where I know I won't be able to hear anyways (talks, lectures, parties).
My confidence is at an all-time low, and although I have had a hearing impairment all my life (32 years, since I was 6), it has never felt harder.


I have never had anyone coach me, or even give me suggestions for how to deal with my hearing more effectively with others, so I think I have many bad habits (pretending to hear, nodding & smiling, not being direct about my needs, avoidance). It is only in the past few weeks that I have discovered, through much online research, that I should be more assertive, and how to do it (Gee, a no-brainer, right?!:rolleyes: ).

Ultimately, I am wondering if anyone else has/had some of these social problems and how they dealt with them. My hearing is not going to get better, so I need to work on other areas like improving my techniques for dealing with others and perhaps developing my auditory processing also.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this very topic recently, as I've now had my HAs for just under a week. Wore them to work for the first time today...and nobody even noticed them until I pointed them out! (small personal victory there...self-consciousness and all)

As I mentioned in another thread, I tried to deny for a long time that there was an issue - it was other people mumbling, or "noisy environments", or whatever. Socially, I realized after my initial diagnosis that all my years of struggling in louder social situations (bars, parties, etc.) where I faked my way through conversations - frequently guessing the wrong topic of conversation and eliciting strange looks - were connected to my hearing deficit. Up until then, I just assumed EVERYONE heard a high-pitched ringing all the time and couldn't make things out! More recently, it's caused friction with my wife and I suspect coworkers, as it's inevitable that one gets tired of the "What's that? Pardon? What did you say?" stuff. I'm kind of a keep-to-myself type @ home (though certainly not shy nor terribly quiet...just like "alone time") but I now wonder if that's not formed in part by my long term struggles with loud social situations and the awkwardness of those inevitable missed words and misunderstandings...or maybe I'm just getting older and don't worry about things as much anyone, valuing my family time?

[shelley]

I love it. You know, I have known people for years and they don't notice my hearing aids, and they're big BTE ones, and I wore my hair short. Really, people can be oblivious in many ways, but they sure do notice if you say something that doesn't fit!

Yes, my ponderings have headed in the same direction as yours--I like my quiet time, I don't need to get out, etc., etc. Recently I was thinking about how social I used to be--and how much I really miss it. Yet there's no going back--at least not in the same carefree way. Now it has to be with techniques and strategies, patience, energy, concentration, etc. just to wade through it.

[icemncmth]

The funny and sad part about a hearing loss in general is how people perceive it. The people being the person with the loss and the one's around that person.

Most people don't admit to a hearing problem until it is so bad that people around them are telling them to get help. My father n law wears hearing aids and doesn't want people to know it. He misses out on so much. His life is "handicapped" because of it. If he would just wear BTE aids he would be back in the middle of conversations...

I have seen in my own family how a hearing loss can impact so much. It even impacts my wife and I. She doesn't like it when I have the TV to high...or if I have to as her "what" over and over. But I am a fighter and am doing something about it. I am getting HA's ..I don't want to be left out. I have become pretty good at reading lips. I
live and fight everyday with hearing loss...

My feelings are my father n law is handicapped because he lets his situation "rule" him.

I am not handicapped because I have a hearing loss..I am just a little hearing challenged!..;-)

[GadgetsRme]

I am not handicapped because I have a hearing loss..I am just a little hearing challenged!..;-)

Amen!! :)

[Maureen]

Unlike you my hearing loss was recent, sudden, and I'm told not all that bad. I've found it difficult. It occurred after a heart bypass operation which was stressful enough. All in all, I got through the heart issues very well and was left with absolutely no hearing in one ear and a mild loss in the other. They say the operation had no relationship to the hearing; yeah sure, everything was fin until that point but whatever. <snip>

My husband lost total hearing in one ear after open heart surgery. He was getting a mechanical heart valve placed and spent a long time on the heart lung bypass machine during the surgery as there were complications. Although he did take some potentially ototoxic antibiotics I believe that it was from a blood clot thrown while on bypass. It became apparent to him on the second day after surgery and I would think an ototoxic drug would affect both ears equally and after a longer period of time.
He is lucky that it is only one ear and also lucky that it wasn't a stroke.
He mostly deals with hearing in noise or hearing anything else while on the phone and localization issues. I don't think most people even realize he has it.
So, yes, I agree that your surgery could have caused your issues.

I am starting to have difficulty hearing in noise so I think hearing aids may be in my future. Right now I hear at about 20db across the frequencies but that is in a quiet booth. I already find myself simply nodding rather than saying "what?" in some situations.

Luckily my son who was born hearing impaired has only known hearing aids and is dealing with acceptance as a normal part of his life.

[allegro]

I was born with severe hearing loss in both ears, eventually lost hearing completely on my right ear. I was not diagnosed until I was 5 because my mother wondered why I never picked up the phone. My relatives all thought it was not worth checking out because I could talk and could read all the signs on the street and most words on menus. She thought I had a mild hearing loss and cried in the office when the result came out... I started wearing hearng aid when I was young and have worn them ever since.

I think for most part, hearing loss isn't a bad thing, it really gives me a place to concentrate and do my own work. And later on, I discovered music by accident and even got a performance diploma in piano after just 4-5 years of learning piano. So I never thought hearing loss was a burden in those areas, it probably actually motivates me to do things better and better actually. I now work as a lecturer (or professor they call in US) in a university and full time as a reseacher in a medical organisation.

The hardest part was learning to speak, first in mandarin and later in English. Every day, my mum used to cut out an article in Chinese newspaper and listened to every word I said, later on, when I started learning English, I had a speech therapist and I had to do similar thing with them. I learned to write way before I learned to speak, and in both languages, it had been a hell of a journey. I spent countless hours trying out different combinations of tongue and teeth movement so I could get the sounds right and then had to learn to speak them fluently so they form nicely into a speech pattern...

When I was 6, I hated school, no one could understand me and I could not understand what was going on most of the time in the classroom. I could work out what to do academically by reading but I had no social contact at all. I remembered my mother had to secretly arrange a birthday party so I could at least have some "friends". Back then, every day I tried to invent a new disease so I don't have to go to school. I think it was probably one of the most challenging times for my mum and dad. I think the problem was I never felt secure at school and I had to keep on watching for visual cues from my classmate to know what to do when the teacher asked us to do something. This was very difficult for me then, I don't think my fear of school went away until I was 9 or 10.

I always thought, because of my delayed speech development, a lot of my teachers/class mates regarded me as "mentally retarded" back then. It was not until I was 9, I actually had my first "real" friend, you know, one of those very special time in your lifetime you got someone who like just to be with you, no matter what. By then my speech was much clearer but I still could not say things very clearly and I was always nervous when I had to say something, so I tended to speak fast and blurred out all the words.

For most part, if my friend was not around, I would just walk by myself during recess times, or do my homework. I didn't have much social contacts at all. Sometimes I think it is not so much that I didn't want to have social contact, but to understand people requires a lot of energy and concentration and I often find myself being a burden to other people because I often need to ask them to rephrase something and I could often sense their impatience.

I never had a lover, I had a few flings with a few people, but they never last long. It was fun dating etc... but deep down in my heart, I could always sense that it would be a lot harder for someone to accept all the things I don't enjoy such as TV, cinema (have to wait for closed caption version to came out) and phone calls are practically useless for me. Even when I was in family dinner, I have an urge to get out of the door or wishing it was over as soon as possible. In a noisy situation, I often have to put up with a nice polite smile and most of the conversations just flew pass my ears. I feel "fake" in those situations.

At social functions at work, I always made a point to go, there are a few older ladies who talked to me as they are more understanding of my problems and forever hassling me about getting someone in my life (lol, I think I gave up that idea long time ago). Adding that I have moved across 5 different cities and two countries over the last ten years of my life for my career, it probably wouldn't work if I am involved with someone also.

At work social wise, I think I fit in quite well. My co-workers talk to me and I talk to them every day. Although I often declined to go dinner together with a group of people and normally would only go if it was no more than 2 other people, as it is easier just to concentrate on two people and you can often see two people easily in a table setting. At first, they thought that was strange, but over time, they understood my "strange" behaviour.

At home, I don't have a telephone, nor a TV, I have a mobile phone which I don't normally carry around. I spent most of my recreation time walking/hiking, playing piano, cooking and sometimes go to party if I am invited. Sometimes I go to art galleries and special events. I lived by myself since I was 21 and have been fairly independent. Today, I can speak fairly well and I taught postgraduate classes at university, but sometimes I think, over the years, the isolation I felt during most of my childhood pretty much set a blueprint of me as an adult. I am almost always friendly to people though and I helped a lot of tourist and sometimes I do talk with them as I live right in the middle of a tourist attraction area.

I am 30 now, and most of the time I am pretty much alone. I go out with a few friends from time to time but I tend not like to bother people too much. I sometimes think it is not so important as to whether you have a social life or not, but whatever path you choose to take, you need to be at peace with yourself. I have gone through periods of anger and jealousy, secretly wishing I could just experienced all the social stuff I missed when I grew up. But being single and almost totally alone has advantages, you are free and you can make decisions without involving lots of other people. Hey, it could be nice to experience a bit more social life but it often comes to a point where I find I am struggling and the other people are also struggling to make the communication link work.

So for large part, as a person with a severe hearing loss and always uses his hearing aid, I don't really experience a lot of social life and actually find myself less stressed and more relaxed when alone. I think the key to survive is to have a good hobby (such as music) and a forever inquiring mind (learning how to cook new things, finding out how things work), that way, your life is never dull!

Just some thoughts.

[bherring1964]

I was born with a mild hearing loss that progressed to moderate in my 20s and is now severe at 44 years of age.

I understand your frustration. Only in recent years has my loss been so great that it caused major problems. Yes, you need to let people know your needs and that's a problem sometimes, but your family members are in the "must know" category.

Please try to make an effort to find "better" listening environments when possible. Positioning and acoustics can make a huge difference. Try to study the speaker's face when possible.

Keep as active as your mind allows you to be. Try to stay upbeat in whatever you do and avoid any alcohol/drugs as an "escape". We have a lot to offer and must try a little harder but keep the faith. It can get better!

[shelley]

allegro, I thought you were at least 50 the way you wrote your story....like lots of time has elapsed! Thanks for sharing. It reminds me of my story in some ways, though different in some major ways (I got lucky with the significant other thing). If you want to read my story, I have it posted in my blog, http://livinghearingimpaired.blogspot.com/

[allegro]

Thanks Shelley, read your story :)

I am not quite 50s yet, hopefully I would have achieved a little bit more in my life by then. I think 30 is at that age where every one sort of looks back and see what they have done.

I think a critical problem for most people born with hearing problem is that we don’t really have a good role model about how to communicate. So compared to hearing people, I think I missed a big part in developing social skills because of limited exposure to social situations.

I have to say though, hearing impairment for me is really just part of me, in many ways it is a gift because it really teaches me to be more patient, more understanding and more tolerant. And it really is the easiest and honest excuse to block those unwanted telemarketers!

[shelley]

LOL! Love it! Yes, it is the best way to keep off the telemarketers: "Huh? I didn't hear you. Can you repeat that? Oh, forget it. Click."

I agree with you on the role model thing, and that's why when I cringe and don't want to share about my hearing I remind myself that every single person probably knows someone who is hearing impaired and doesn't deal with it well, so by golly, I'll show them someone who's not ashamed to talk about it! I've even been known to walk up to complete strangers (in airports is my favorite) and show them my watch and tell them it is the controls to my hearing aid and watch their jaw drop!

On the other hand, I have been HI for my whole life, worn HA since I was 6, and it only just occurred to me in the past 6 weeks that I am indeed going deaf--slowly but surely--and how my hearing is really affecting me. In the past when people have brought it up I just shrugged it off, but it has finally begun to really limit my life. So perhaps 30 is your year to look back, but I think that that moment comes at a different time for everyone depending on their degree of loss, rate of loss, social effects, life circumstances, etc. I truly have never thought about it before now, and have never identified myself with hearing impaired people.

[allegro]

I think personality wise, you are probably a more outgoing person!

Probably will be a good idea to start learning sign language and maybe even consider cochlear implant if you are indeed going deaf. Maybe get the whole family to learn it so they can all communicate with you and that you don't feel like an outsider.

I don't know what I would do if my hearing was unstable, being someone who play piano very often (2-3 hours a day) it will be pretty hard thing to experience. As we know Beethoven became deaf and he became rather anti-social and bad tempered, (because Dr. Phil wasn't around back then?) but I think we are luckier in that regard because we have more resources to help us get through that today.

I think deaf people has their own community, separate from those who are hearing impaired. If you learn sign language, you would be able to get in touch with that community and make new friends etc. I don't know about you, but I always imagined it would be fun to watch deaf people in a conference dinner, hands flying in air as they eat and you can still "talk" with food in your mouth!

[JennyB]

Shelley,

I read your blog and it is very interesting to read about your experiences. I too have shared a lot of your experiences but ultimately have taken a different route to handling my hearing loss.

Unlike you, I do not identify as "hearing impaired". I actually cringe when people label me as that. I am Deaf. I also went through the denial of my hearing loss when I was in public school. I was the different kid in a mainstream class, it was tough! I also experienced a confidence boost when I changed my attitude and embraced my Deaf identity fully.

I found your story to be very interesting because of the overlaps with my own, but the major differences as well!

One thing I would like to comment on though, your hand out called “How to Deal With Hearing Impaired People”. Are you something you want people to "deal" with? I think that presents the wrong message, at least from my point of view. You seem like a strong, confident person who accepts their hearing status - perhaps a better title would be "How to Communicate With Hearing Impaired People". Personally, I want people to communicate with me, not "deal' with me. You "deal" will unpleasent things like the death of your dog, or a bad report card. Just wanted to throw that out there!

Check out my blog, journysofadeafgirl.blogspot.com. It has my story.

[Lucille]

Jenny

Many of us are new to all of this and dealing with it the best we can. There is no one right path.
I am hearing impaired and I do not forecast that I will ever be Deaf. I do not fault you for your path, but I have my own.

[zinzan]

I think the choice of "deal" v. "communicate" may reflect one's selection of words more than anything else. For several years now as a teacher and school administrator, I've been quite up-front with folks in explaining "Hey - this is the way it is...I'm going to miss some things. Don't be upset by it." etc. Were I to choose "here's how to deal with the guy with the hearing deficit" (i.e. me), I'm not making a values judgement or intending to imply anything beyond my personal sitaution - it's just making a choice of informal language. Different folks will obviously have differing comfort levels with that and that's ok.

The reality often is, however, that folks with reduced hearing/deafness/etc. are largely missed by others and often misunderstood. When I shared with colleagues about my deficit some years back, some folks started speaking LOUDLY and slowly...not because they were trying to be mean or condescending or in question of my intelligence (though I initially felt that way!), but because that's what they felt they were supposed to do. With my recent move to hearing aids on a more-or-less f/t basis, I've decided to make it an opportunity to raise awareness with others - I've offered my perspective to our human resources department and already spoken with my staff about what life is like (so far) with two assistive devices. They're cool with it...if anything, now they get to "deal" with me actually hearing everything they're saying now!:)

[JennyB]

Jenny

Many of us are new to all of this and dealing with it the best we can. There is no one right path.
I am hearing impaired and I do not forecast that I will ever be Deaf. I do not fault you for your path, but I have my own.

I feel as though you are misinterpreting my comment. I know many people do identify has hearing impaired, I have nothing against that at all. I by no means think that all people who have a hearing loss (especially one that becomes apparent later in life) will learn sign language, abandon their friends, and identify as Deaf. If you are comfortable in hearing culture and that is where you are happy, go for it! In that case, you are hearing impaired. You are a hearing person, with an impairment.

The reason why I reject that label for myself, is because I am not a hearing person with an impairment. I am a Deaf person. I am part of Deaf culture, my language is ASL, my community uses ASL to communicate, etc. To me, when someone calls me hearing impaired it is not respectful to me, my culture, or my values. It's the same thing if you are Jewish and someone calls you a Christian. They are different beliefs and roots. It is the same thing, being Jewish and not wanting to be labeled a Christian doesn't mean you reject Christianty, it means you want to conserve you identity!

My remark genuine. I think the overlaps in Shelley's story and in my story are very interesting, because there are many. I honestly haven't met very many proud hearing impaired people and reading about her experience of accepting it finally and becoming proud and confident with her hearing status was really neat! I went through the same experience. I didn't enjoy being Deaf growing up, I didn't like being different, I tried to hide it and talk as much as I could, and then I finally realised I am Deaf. It is who I am and I am proud of it and my culture. I find it interesting that our paths seem to run side by side and rarely do they thouch, but we both have the same fundamental thing - we can't hear.

[JennyB]

[QUOTE=zinzan]I think the choice of "deal" v. "communicate" may reflect one's selection of words more than anything else.QUOTE]


Personally, I don't want to be dealt with. That's just me. It seems negative to me and I don't feel like it should be. Especially after reading Shelley's story and she seems quite proud of and confident with her hearing loss.

I do the education part for people too. I know how cluesless some people can be! I am in University right now and I am constantly explaining my communication preferences to professors, how I communicate to my peers, etc. I am always teaching someone something. I understand the importance of that but I don't sit down and say to them "So this is how I want you to deal with me." Rather I say "this is how I want you to communicate with me". I don't know, it makes it seem like you are a burden if you are being "dealt" with. Really, you're not - even if you feel that way. You are a person with a right to equal and effective communication. You are worth more than being "dealt with" or "tollerated".

I don't know if that makes any sense!

[Lucille]

Jenny,

You said in the post before last how you don't like to be different and yet you constantly take the time to explain how you are different, to your professors and to us.

You must get something out of that, since you've come to a site for hearing aids instead of enjoying the many sites where your culture prevails.

If you need attention there are more wholesome ways of getting it than taking people to task for their innocent choice of words and constantly bringing up how you are different.

[zinzan]

[QUOTE=zinzan]I think the choice of "deal" v. "communicate" may reflect one's selection of words more than anything else.QUOTE]


Personally, I don't want to be dealt with. That's just me. It seems negative to me and I don't feel like it should be. Especially after reading Shelley's story and she seems quite proud of and confident with her hearing loss.

I do the education part for people too. I know how cluesless some people can be! I am in University right now and I am constantly explaining my communication preferences to professors, how I communicate to my peers, etc. I am always teaching someone something. I understand the importance of that but I don't sit down and say to them "So this is how I want you to deal with me." Rather I say "this is how I want you to communicate with me". I don't know, it makes it seem like you are a burden if you are being "dealt" with. Really, you're not - even if you feel that way. You are a person with a right to equal and effective communication. You are worth more than being "dealt with" or "tollerated".

I don't know if that makes any sense!


Well, part of the great thing about life is that there are a great many perspectives on things; I could never fully appreciate your life experiences, and I'm sure you might not fully understand mine. But that's a wonderful thing - it makes us all unique! A parallel might be the concept of silence - due to my chonic tinnitus since about age 3, my version of "silence" has a high-pitched ringing to it; I've never actually known the concept as others might, but I can appreciate it based on "as close as I can get"! Am I upset because my silence is not the same as my wife's, or my son's, or the guy on the street corner? Nope. That's just the way things are. That being said, as I'm getting older (I'm in my late 30s) I'm now realizing that a lot of things I used to get revved up about in life probably aren't quite the way I perceived them and aren't worth the tension I used to feel in worrying about them.


When I explain to my staff, students, etc. on how I hear (or don't), it's not so that they'll "tolerate" me; it's so that they'll gain a clearer understanding of what I can and cannot do. My hope is that, with my sharing my auditory limitations within a sound-filled world, that they'll then be able to better understand where I'm coming from and perhaps be empathetic to my situation. I don't need pity or toleration, I just need folks to understand a bit more beyond what might be a first impression and perhaps make some adjustments to the way they do so that it is a successful learning and working environment for all.

Hopefully that explains my POV, Jenny.

[jbobp]

Jenny,

You said in the post before last how you don't like to be different and yet you constantly take the time to explain how you are different, to your professors and to us.

You must get something out of that, since you've come to a site for hearing aids instead of enjoying the many sites where your culture prevails.

If you need attention there are more wholesome ways of getting it than taking people to task for their innocent choice of words and constantly bringing up how you are different.

I will not attempt to explain JennyB’s feelings or how she wishes to be treated, but she does not visit this website for attention. She does wear hearing aids and she has posted more than once that she wears them for environmental awareness and not for hearing voices. I believe that because she is Deaf her views are different from any non-deaf person else on this site. And the views of the hearing impaired –like me- are different from hers. I am different because I wear hearing aids, but I do not want to be treated differently from someone that does not.

When I first posted on this forum I expressed my angst over wearing aids and what I needed to do on my first follow up visit to the audiologist. JennyB took the time to send me a PM and explain what I could do to help myself, what terminology I could use to make the visits to return visits to the audi more effective. It was a completely selfless act and something that helped me tremendously. It was not something she did for attention.

As you said in a previous post, “There is no one right path.” At least allow JennyB hers.

[islanderbaw]

Allegro . . . your wrote "I always imagined it would be fun to watch deaf people in a conference dinner, hands flying in air as they eat and you can still "talk" with food in your mouth!"

I've sat a number of Italian dinners . . . the view is not much different! :) (Plus, food in the mouth doesn't stop them either.)

[shelley]

"One thing I would like to comment on though, your hand out called “How to Deal With Hearing Impaired People”. Are you something you want people to "deal" with? I think that presents the wrong message, at least from my point of view. You seem like a strong, confident person who accepts their hearing status - perhaps a better title would be "How to Communicate With Hearing Impaired People". Personally, I want people to communicate with me, not "deal' with me. You "deal" will unpleasent things like the death of your dog, or a bad report card. Just wanted to throw that out there!"

Thanks for your suggestion in the change of title for my handout! I whipped it out shortly before class and didn't put much effort into thinking about it. It didn't sound right, but I didn't know what did. I'm going to go change it right now!

[JennyB]

I will not attempt to explain JennyB’s feelings or how she wishes to be treated, but she does not visit this website for attention. She does wear hearing aids and she has posted more than once that she wears them for environmental awareness and not for hearing voices. I believe that because she is Deaf her views are different from any non-deaf person else on this site. And the views of the hearing impaired –like me- are different from hers. I am different because I wear hearing aids, but I do not want to be treated differently from someone that does not.

When I first posted on this forum I expressed my angst over wearing aids and what I needed to do on my first follow up visit to the audiologist. JennyB took the time to send me a PM and explain what I could do to help myself, what terminology I could use to make the visits to return visits to the audi more effective. It was a completely selfless act and something that helped me tremendously. It was not something she did for attention.

As you said in a previous post, “There is no one right path.” At least allow JennyB hers.

Thank you jbobp!

[JennyB]

Jenny,

You said in the post before last how you don't like to be different and yet you constantly take the time to explain how you are different, to your professors and to us.

You must get something out of that, since you've come to a site for hearing aids instead of enjoying the many sites where your culture prevails.

If you need attention there are more wholesome ways of getting it than taking people to task for their innocent choice of words and constantly bringing up how you are different.

I do wear hearing aids and I participate in many discussions here related to profound losses and hearing aids. Specifically discussions about Phonak Naidas as those are what I use. I don't wear hearing aids to hear voices, though sometimes I can.

I am not here for attention. I am an active participant on the AllDeaf forum too, but not everyone there is culturally Deaf. We don't tell the hearing impaired identified people that they are looking for attention on AllDeaf if they are talking about hearing aids, explaining their reality as a hearing impaired person. I find your comments to be rather disrespectful at times.

With regards to your first comment, I used to not like being Deaf or being different when I was in elementary school. The thing is, I am not different! Within my community and my culture I am the same as everyone else. Within hearing culture and in my University I have to remind my teachers I am not the same as them and I have to educate them. I don't use my voice to communicate, I use ASL and interpreters. I won't speech read or speak if I don't have an interpreter - I will write or gesture. In a hearing classroom I need the teacher to be aware of my interpreters and the need for me to be able to take in all visual information. I need a minute to take in power point presentations and the interpreters so they may need to pause breifly.

Education is a reality of everyones life at some point in time. If I want equal access to communication with an oral person (hearing, deaf, hard of hearing...anyone who speaks) I need to educate and point out my differences. If you think that is attention seeking I would question how well you are able to cope with your hearing loss without educating.

EDIT: I would also like to add that this particular board is about hearing loss in general, and this thread is about the social effects of hearing loss. I shared my experience about the social effects of my hearing loss. For me, it is positive - there is nothing wrong with that!

[JennyB]

"One thing I would like to comment on though, your hand out called “How to Deal With Hearing Impaired People”. Are you something you want people to "deal" with? I think that presents the wrong message, at least from my point of view. You seem like a strong, confident person who accepts their hearing status - perhaps a better title would be "How to Communicate With Hearing Impaired People". Personally, I want people to communicate with me, not "deal' with me. You "deal" will unpleasent things like the death of your dog, or a bad report card. Just wanted to throw that out there!"

Thanks for your suggestion in the change of title for my handout! I whipped it out shortly before class and didn't put much effort into thinking about it. It didn't sound right, but I didn't know what did. I'm going to go change it right now!

Not a problem! I have a set of hand outs designed for a post secondary setting around access for people with hearing loss. I am happy to share those with you if you would like!

[aliciam89]

Jenny,

You said in the post before last how you don't like to be different and yet you constantly take the time to explain how you are different, to your professors and to us.

You must get something out of that, since you've come to a site for hearing aids instead of enjoying the many sites where your culture prevails.

If you need attention there are more wholesome ways of getting it than taking people to task for their innocent choice of words and constantly bringing up how you are different.


First off I personally know JennyB, we are friends, so from a friend pov and seeing as I know her pretty well, I can tell you that she is the last person to seek out attention! Second, this site is NOT just for hearing aids there are other parts to the forum if you have failed to notice...go check it out!...And just because JennyB identifies as Deaf and is apart of the Deaf culture doesn't mean she is ignorant towards the Hearing culture or hoh or anyone else for that matter. JennyB is willing to help out anyone and just because she advocates for Deaf people, since she is Deaf, that doesn't mean she is seeking attention, she is doing what she feels is right to stand up for her beliefs and morals. I am deaf/hoh I wear hearing aids and am more apart of the hearing community as I did not grow up hoh/deaf i grew up hearing. That doesn't mean I don't identify myself as deaf though or say that I am not apart of another community. The Deaf community is awesome! I am slowly learning some ASL (I am taking ASL as my minor) and I will attend my first Deaf event in february. If I wasn't friends with Jenny I wouldn't be as close to the Deaf community. She has taught me a lot and I appreciate it immensely as I want and am willing to learn.

Don't throw out comments at anyone especially when they are just saying what is on their mind. that is what a forum is for...to say what you feel. If you don't like it then ignore the comments..but don't be rude about it and say that she is seeking attention...maybe u are the one seeking attention by starting an argument in a thread.

[Lucille]

Don't throw out comments at anyone especially when they are just saying what is on their mind. .

Sorry, no double standards. If they say what is on their mind, I have that right also.

[JennyB]

Sorry, no double standards. If they say what is on their mind, I have that right also.

I am not judging you though! You and I come from different worlds. I have had a hearing loss my entire life, you are newly diagnosed just getting hearings aids for the first time if I understand correctly.

I know that you aren't Deaf. I don't expect you to be!

[Lucille]

I find your comments to be rather disrespectful at times.

I am not judging you though

You have indeed been judgmental.

Want my respect? Earn it.

[icemncmth]

The problem with any Forum is what one puts down on "paper" doesn't always reflect what that person is really trying to say.

It is very hard to put in words the emotion one is feeling at the time and it is even harder for someone else to "feel" the same emotions.


Just my 2 cents.

[JennyB]

You have indeed been judgmental.

Want my respect? Earn it.

I am not sure what I have said or done to insult you so much. People on this forum who have known me for a long time know that I am not a mean person, I don't have intentions of starting fights, and I am not trying to disrespect anyone. I am on this forum to learn and to provide information and support where I can.

I apologize if I have not been able to come across in a way that is different from what I have stated.

[jbobp]

You have indeed been judgmental.

Want my respect? Earn it.

Didn‘t you state previously you were a nurse? May I ask where, not specifically where, but are you in the USA and if so what state?

[MarvinMartian]

I find that I avoid any situation with loud noises. Although I never was a dancer, I refuse to attend dances or places with loud music. I just can't understand anything that's said to me, even if they yell. It's frustrating for me and for them. Generally, any social situation with music is out. And if it's anywhere there are going to be a lot of people (and a lot of background rumble), it's practically impossible to carry one any conversation.

[zinzan]

Just returned from a hockey game in a fairly packed indoor arena. Not the most successful experience with my HAs so far, for sure...even with use of my "reduced" program option and volume down, it was rather harsh - might've been placement of the speakers overhead (blaring AC/DC at every stoppage in play!:eek: ) and that the mics in my HAs were focusing all over the place - people having a conversation behind me, echoing noise off the plexiglas two rows in front of me, etc. I got more used to it by the end of the game, but it was kind of odd...

Next time, I might just leave 'em at home!

[Lucille]

I'm getting my new HAs but am thinking of not wearing them to a bowling game I'm going to next weekend. I'm thinking that like the situation there may be similar to the hockey game.

[Lucille]

I am on this forum to learn and to provide information and support where I can.


Me too. But I think you can provide more support, because you know more about hearing loss.
I too apologize if I've come across different from what I have intended.
When one thinks about it, there are plenty of challenges out there for the both of us, and even though we are from different worlds we can help one another.

[JennyB]

Me too. But I think you can provide more support, because you know more about hearing loss.
I too apologize if I've come across different from what I have intended.
When one thinks about it, there are plenty of challenges out there for the both of us, and even though we are from different worlds we can help one another.

I do know a lot about hearing loss, but to be honest I know little about all of these open-fit aids and technology I could never use! Cochlear implants, power aids, earmold issues - I can help with!

I appreciate you apology :) English is not my first language and sometimes my ability to express myself without making people angry is well...non-existent. I am working on that!

[carolo]

This is a most interesting thread. Tonight is the first time I have visited it; the digital HA discussion has held my attention because I have so much to learn about HAs and have had issues w/ allergy to custom molds, one audi who hadn't a real clue about the products or how to program, and now I do own a pair of aids but still need programming corrections. Sudden hearing loss in December 2007 began the jouney into a world w/ very little sound.

Meanwhile, I remember my early school years when I was so nearsighted I could not see the big E on a chart I could barely find on the wall in front of me. Only I was not introduced to that chart until the age of 10 1/2! I had gone thru all my school years finding reasons to get out of my desk. Pencil sharpener. Restroom. Those trips took me by the board where I would quickly memorize what was written there. I did not realize the other kids could actually see the words and numbers! Usually we were assigned desks alphabetically and my last name began w/ an S, which placed me towards the back of the room, as far from the board as could be. I would stand in the line for the little vision test for young kids in the classroom and memorize the answers to what was where on the chart. I always passed that eye test w/ flying colors. My own worst enemy! Headaches and eye strain were common. Finally Mother took me to eye doctor. That's when I met the chart I could barely find on the wall. Few kids wore glasses then, and I hated mine. Foolish, I know, but I was in 5th grade and at top of my class. I'd learned to read by age 4. I had many friends and somehow managed on the playground and in the lunchroom. Not good at anything involving a moving ball except for bowling, I enjoyed swings and tumbling and climbing trees and especially swimming, and somehow no one knew I was "different." Not even me until that day I was introduced to the chart. Teen years were worse as far as hating glasses. I would actually take them off when entering the school cafeteria! Winging it visually is a bit like winging it w/out hearing but not being a part of a community of those who live like you do.

Socially, the sudden loss of hearing was extremely difficult once I figured out this was not a temporary thing. The ear doctor didn't volunteer this information. It was only on the 2nd or 3rd visit and a referral by the ENT to an ear specialist that it hit me. I asked something along the lines of "wait a minute, am I permanently deaf?" His answer was neither yes nor no but just that it was necessary to see the other doc and CT scan would be ordered. I tried to tell myself that I could busy myself w/ the computer and also w/ reading. This, I knew, was not going to do. My husband of many years and I had real tension between us. I felt he was not doing his part to communicate. He of all people knew I was suddenly and mostly deaf. Between lip reading and the sounds I did hear from one ear I could make out what he said just fine if he would face me, if he would be sitting or standing close to me. So why wouldn't he do that, I thought. At the same time he grew hoarse from shouting so I could hear and resented that, probably thinking I was not trying or perhaps he was simply frustrated.

Phone conversation was out. Totally. So that cut me off from friends. When out and about I hurried faster so that no one would try to start a conversation. I didn't go to meetings. I became impatient when talking w/ friends in person and they just could not remember I was now deaf. I kept telling them over and over how they had to communicate if I were to be able to comprehend. They forgot over and over.

Now I have HAs and that makes a world of difference. "They" tell me my hearing will not deteriorate further, and yet I note I was fitted w/ Exelia P model when M did the job fine "because it will be better as you experience further hearing loss." OOPS! I plan to learn ASL but have not yet begun. All my focus has been on getting the most out of the HAs as I can. Socially I am not as active as "before" but some of that has had to do with other health issues. The rest of it is that I tire easily as I try to process a conversation w/ many people talking and find a way to respond w/out constantly asking for a replay. My husband is still forgetting some basics like please don't start a sentence and then turn your back and walk down the hall still talking, but things at home are much better since the HAs. Adjustment in the programming should make things easier socially in large groups, so some of my isolation at times could be temporary. If not, I'm going to get out there and real friends will learn how to communicate, but I won't put them in situations such as large tables with many at a dinner and expect them to change all their other conversations. I'll just enjoy my meal and become a people watcher.

Family time is now pretty easy. Our son remembers I can't hear everything. So do the young Granddaughters most of the time. And they volunteered they would learn ASL since they could already finger spell. They also seem to have ways of communicating nonverabally with me, so thank heavens the major part of the family challenge is at least for the time being over.

Socially, my life will evolve. Things are different now, and I have much to learn. It is a journey. I can only see the path under my feet, so I don't know what comes next in this new world. Unlike some on this forum I do still have pretty fair hearing in some situations w/ the HAs, so at present I don't face all the same challenges.

This forum helps immensely. Thanks for the topic and for all the various responses!